As long as I can remember, I've been the oddball. Even as a kid, I had 1 or 2 actual friends but never a real friends group in school. I tried most of my school years to fit in. One more popular kid asked me to come over once to help set up for his birthday party the next day. Only as I left, to have him and his mom tell me not to show up myself because I wasn't invited. 

I won't list all of the slights I had as a kid, I'll just say it was common and frequent. As an adult it hasn't been much different. I always think I found a new community and things are good for a bit, but either I end up feeling some kind of ick about how things are going, or I end up being disregarded later. 

I don't say all of this for sympathy. I'm used to it and have just learned to cope. I have my amazing wife and we do a lot of fun things and adventures together and that's all I really need. Though some outside friends would be fun at times too. 

One Facebook friend who enjoys my art told me that I seemed like a giant energy forced into a human body and trying to figure out where I fit in. That summed things up a lot. Most of my life I've been told I'm too much, or have too big a personality or too much energy. Now, at 52, I'm not sure how much energy I have, especially on my psych meds, but apparently its more than enough for most crowds. 

I also have been told my authenticity scares people. Most people truly are fake, so when they meet someone who is real and raw it just freakst them out. I share all of this because I hope it resonates with someone else out there. As far as how to fix or change it, I truly don't have any profound advice. I found my person, so that helps immensely. I can't imagine not having her to spend every day with. 

I just hope all my friends out there who are neurodivergent can find that person, activity or thing that makes you feel accepted and content. I know not everyone needs companionship and that is fair and valid also. I'm just sharing my own experience. It would be nice if people could just be real and hold adult conversations, but the older I get the more I learn that scares most adults, including others my age. 

All I can say is that we don't let anything plug up or dampen our energy. Any person or group who accepts us as we are. If that doesn/t happen I guess we just need to unleash that energy onto the world and let it go where its needed the most.