Valhalla to Nirvana: A Journey of Inner Peace

My spiritual journey has been a wild one. I won't document every single step, but its been quite the path. I grew up Baptist, in a pretty strict church. Like EVERYTHING was a sin, thinking about sin was maybe the worst sin. That's the thing that messed me up for years into the future was the concept of mind crimes. There is a passage in the Bible how if you think about a sin you've committed it in your heart. So Baptists take this and run with it. Telling you that just because you're outwardly doing tood things, God knows you're rotten inside. Even in my middle age I still stress over my thoughts and if its a "bad thought" or not.

Once I finished Bible college I became an atheist and was an atheist for a good part of my adulthood into my 40s. That shift came from disillusionment in college and how much of what they taught they admitted was complete bullshit or done to manipulate. I kind of stuck with that for the longest time and didn't really think much about things other than I was very angry during that time. Anything about god or religion I spurned pretty harshly.

It wasn't until after a mental health crisis about five years or so ago as I was trying to put pieces back together I began looking to paganism. A lot of things led to that I won't go into as some of it gets pretty weird. I'll just say I had some supernatural experiences and things that led me down that road. I started out in Celtic paganism and followed a few deities in that path including The Morrigan who I feel helped me through one of the darkest times in my life.

I moved through different forms and mixes of paganism and witchcraft, including toying with demonolatry and Hellenism before I found myself in Norse Paganism past couple years. I love the aesthetics and mythology of Norse Paganism and its been very freeing.

Lately I've been feeling more pulled to Buddhism which is a major departure. I explain more about that path in this blog entry. And I've picked up some intro books like Introduction to Zen Buddhism. I'm learning a lot and its helped me focus less on what others think and perceive me and more on myself, doing good work and being compassionate to others. I also like the teachings on attachment and impermanence, which I address in the previous blog. That said, its really been good for me and I feel myself leaning more and more down that path.

Maybe this makes me flighty and immature. Maybe it makes me indecisive. I know I've moved this blog around enough times. I think som of it may be a bipolar or autistic trait. But I think it means I'm open to new idea and new teachings depending where I'm at in life. Instead of clinging to a single ideolgy no matter what, I'm willing to shift my views in light of new information.

Emotional and Psychological Shifts

Each transition led to various shifts in my psyche and emotions, some more pronounced than others. I think with each one I become more secure in myself and more sure of where I'm going. With Buddhism some of my decisions have upset others. In the past, I'd be afraid and would back pedal out of fear of losing friends or upsetting people. Now, I just tell them this is where I'm going, you can join me or move on. Either way I understand.

It kind of hurts, but it feels better than feeling like I can't be myself out of fear of repercussions or someone getting angry at me. Someone is always going to be angry or not like our choices. May as well do what makes us happy and fullfilled and let them stew in their own outrage, as long as we aren't hurting anyone.

Ritual and Practice

There isn't a huge difference in ritual and practice from Christianity and Buddhism or paganism as one might think. Even in paganism I meditated, though Buddhis meditation is different. I'm still learning that process. In Christianity I was at a Pentecostal church for a while. They spoke in tongues and did meditative prayer. Some of those experiences were the same as I've had in paganism.

Moments of Revelation

There have been many. In paganism I'd often see signs or interpret things as signs. One of the biggest was early on when I saw a hawk swoop down and fly off with a crow as I was driving. I felt that was telling me something for sure and led me to reaching out to The Morrigan. That lead me down a beautiful path for over a year.

Each time something changes, its usually by a major revelation or with Buddhism its been more subtle. Just feelings and signs and seeing a book and feeling like I need to pick it up. I was struggling with reading on paper books due to small print, or my tablet due to blue light. Last night I found my Kindle Paperwhite I hadn't seen in about a year and it just needed charged. So much easier to read on and I feel I found it for a reason.

So this is where I am now, its been a long and winding path and I'm sure there will be other jogs and turns in it as it goes. All of us are on some kind of path and they can be beautiful and adventurous, as long as we are willing to listen to the directions and follow where it curves.

What I hope to gain from my own Buddhist practice is being more at peace inside of my own head instead of making myself anxious. Being less needy or clingy toward others or always needing attention. And learning more compassion to others and not taking things so personal when an interaction doesn't go well. I think Buddhism holds these answers and my goal is to unlock them to be the best version of myself.