Finding Myself in the Spectrum: My Journey with Self-Diagnosed Autism

Yesterday I blogged about my journey to this point in seeing if I had autism or not and then exploring self-diagnosis. I did some more research today, a lot of it and uncovered some really good and helpful information.

With the help of some online friends, I was able to locate Embrace Autism website which is full of useful information and assessments. I took three of them and they all said I was 95% likely on the spectrum. Taking the assessments was odd, because so many of the questions related so directly to me.

So I'm just trying to accept and wrap my brain around the fact that I'm autistic. It took me a while to accept the bipolar diagnosis and even longer to even talk about it. But autism is another layer while I never figured I fell under that umbrella, also explains a whole lot of things in my childhood and early adulthood. Things in my childhood in the 80s and 90s autism wasn't really on anyone's radar. You mention autism back then and people immediatly think of Rain Man.

My Personal Journey and Reflections

I talked a lot about this so far in my blog Yesterday but I just wanted to add some reflections. Years ago my daughter was diagnosed with autism when she was about ten. She had been previously treated for ADHD but turned out she was autistic. So, she was always kind of my bar for what autism looks like. Over the years as I got to know more people on the spectrum  I realized it looks like a lot of things.

After some time with my own diagnosis of bipolar and talking to some friends of mine online, I started to suspect perhaps I'm on the spectrum. As I mentioned before, I talked to my therapist who suggested seeing a specialist for testing, but that could be really costly and my insurance won't cover it for an adult. But I did some looking at self diagnosis which turns out to be quite valid and online resources are very accessible. So here we are. I'm autistic. It feels strange but also freeing to say that.

The Meaning of Self-Diagnosis for Me

As I mentioned above, self diagnosis was more accessible. This was based on taking several tests from reputable sites and comparing the results. Some of these assessments had more than 100 questions. So it wasn't like I went to autismwithbob dot com and read over a few symptoms and decided I'm autistic. I know self diagnosed people often get scrutinized but neurotypical folks because they don't consider it a "real" diagnosis or that its trendy.

So to anyone looking to self diagnose, I'd suggest doing your homework and networking with your autistic friends for solid resources and see where it takes you. Having some answers is a good feeling, even though I wonder how my life had been different had I known this many years ago.

Moving Forward with This New Understanding

This is the big one here. What do we do now? As far as treatment that will likely stay the same. My therapist said my current medication and therapy are working so there is no reason to change anything. What it does for me is gives me answers and helps me realize I'm maybe not a perpetual fuck up.

One thing I never talked about openly is self harm. When I've screwed things up really badly, I'll actually punch myself in the face. My wife gets really upset when I do that, and I just feel in those times like I'm such a fuck up I need to pay for my mistake with pain. Knowing I'm autistic, I will now move forward trying to practice more self compassion. Not that I want to make excuses, but I suffer things like executive dysfunction among other things. So I need to teach myself I'm not an awful person or the biggest screw up in the world if I make a mistake.

That is probably the biggest change or me. Anything else I'll play it by ear and also explain to my family so they can be patient with me. And just learning to accept myself and who I truly am and embrace it and this new part of my journey.

Don't be Afraid to Seek Answers

I know a lot of people don't look into things because they are afraid of what they will find. Let me encourage you to open that door and see what you find. It's a very freeing thing to understand who you are and how your brain works. Knowledge is power, and once you know you can react accordingly. You can become proactive instead of reactive and not be afraid or ashamed of pursuing your passions that interest you. Trust me, this is a good thing to learn if it is there for you to discover.

How This Discovery Affects My Creativity and Work

This blog was started on a whim while I was taking a social media break to have somewhere to share my art. It soon morphed into an art and mental health blog and led me down this path. I will likely explore my neurodivergence and autism more through my art as well as new discoveries I make about myself and how I will see the world going forward.

Learning this about myself has been exciting, scary and intimidating, but also freeing. I was nervous what it would mean and how people around me would react. But so far everyone has been accepting and some not so surprised. I'm just me who I have always been, I just now know something about me I didn't know before.

Even as an adult, I was always the weird one or outsider. As I get older I've kind of tried to embrace that more and lean into it. Now, I plan to lean into it even further knowing this is just how I'm wired. I remember being scolded as a kid by my parents and teachers to just "act normal" and one teacher even went on how kids will always make fun of me while I'm acting the way I do. They usually did this in front of the whole class for maximum humiliation. It's nice to know, I was never the problem. You aren't either, we never have been. Thank you for joining me on this journey and I hope you stay with me for the next leg of this trip. Its gonna be a fun one.